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should i ask her father before i propose

(Remember Purses? Most Helpful Girls. If at all possible, make this a face-to-face meeting. If her parents are still married, and you happen to call at a time when only one is available, simply say that you have something you want to ask them, but would like to wait until you can ask them both together, and when would be a good time to do so. It is indeed traditional to ask a woman’s father if you can marry her, because traditionally, marriage was a property transfer – with you, the bride, as the property. The most popular arguments in favor of ask-dad-first seem to be tradition and respect. She’ll love the gesture and will be flattered by your manners. Wondering “should I propose?” The “should we have kids” discussion is pretty key. This includes respecting all the traditional rituals, from asking her dad at the outset to bending on one knee in the moment. You know that you know that you know that you know… It’s healthy to question, to be concerned, and to be nervous. Lazy-A** Men Can Pay Someone to Plan Their Proposal. Men who pride themselves on manners, etiquette, and old-school charm will undoubtedly ask permission because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. If your relationship is a pairing of equals, and you want your marriage to be about two equal partners, why not treat the deciding-to-get-married process the same way? Do it in person. And it remains, for many people who enter into it, a significant turning point in their adult lives. You love the idea of sharing a last name. Just don’t do it by text message! Wide-Ranging Trends Point to a Banner Year Ahead for Men’s Grooming, A Guide to the Top Barbershop Hairstyles for Men, From Fades to Deep Waves, These Are the Best Hairstyles for Black Men, Shopping for an Engagement Ring? These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. So let’s tackle each. Are you still supposed to ask a girls father before you propose to her? Alas, in their reckless pursuit for total equality, the baby boomers have razed the male hierarchy, and today young men approach their girlfriends’ dads with the goal of becoming “buddies.”. Asking for permission only to … It could be considered sexist if your GF is the … These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. Part of the reason human beings rely on tradition is because it’s a shortcut to traversing complex and important life events in a way that makes everyone comfortable and won’t hurt any feelings. Alternatively, she might agree with you and agree to marry you while you both work things … Before I proposed to my girlfriend, Megan, who I’ve been dating a little more than a year, I wanted to ask her father for his blessing. But perhaps second only to women overwhelmingly folding their names and identities into their husbands when they marry is men asking their girlfriend’s father for permission to marry her. Should you ask her father before you pop the question? As marriage has gotten more egalitarian, it’s also gotten better. What's left to do? It depends. In its 2015 Jewelry and Engagement Study, the Knot found that 77 percent of grooms asked permission from the bride’s father or parents before proposing, up … Here’s why. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway There’s a lot about American marriage traditions that are sexist, and a lot of sexism that gets rewritten as romance. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. 22 Things Nobody Tells You About Getting Married, Buying Her The Perfect Diamond Ring Doesn't Have To Be Daunting, Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. We are very traditional family in most things. Share Tweet Flip. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway And of course participating in some of the less-than-feminist aspects of engagement and marriage isn’t always a sacrifice – lots of women, myself included, have found a lot of fun in the frivolity of sparkly jewelry or a magical white dress. SEE MORE: ... 10 Adorable Ways to Propose on Valentine’s Day. Your over-the-top proposal will also give her something to slap down other women with... AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without explicit permission. And some of the most stubborn and more literal incarnations of a sexist culture come along with weddings – which is why, uncomfortable though it may be, those of us who want a more egalitarian society must take a hard look at how wedding rituals undermine that goal. Here's How It's Done. Which is why those of us in feminist relationships should reject that norm – or at least understand that by partaking in it, we’re reinforcing a deeply sexist practice. So to be clear, no one is drawing a feminist line in the sand, with every woman whose husband asked her father for his blessing on the “Bad Feminist” side. If at all possible, make this a face-to-face meeting. Here are … A proposal should be a ritual and formality, a sweet moment that comes after in-depth discussions about why you want to get married, what marriage means, what it will look like, and when you want to do it. Of course, a lot of heterosexual couples do a kind of hybrid between tradition and modernity – they have a series of conversations about marriage and make the mutual decision to wed, and then the future groom has a conversation with his future wife’s father. Talk to the parents .. then propose directly after that. James Bassil. It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. Ms. Cox (nee Knowles) says that while asking for her father’s permission was a formality, she wanted Mr. Cox to do so. Furthermore, consider every element of your proposal to be an item on a romance checklist that she will soon be cross-referencing with the checklists of her married female friends. You've got it all planned. It depends. Why You Have To Ask Her Father Why You Have To Ask Her Father Before You Propose. Women don’t typically ask their boyfriends’ mothers for permission to wed, because for women, marriage isn’t seen as the taking-in of someone else; instead, you’re the one whose identity is being erased, and it’s you who’s being taken. Should they live far away, try to call at a time when you think they'll be home. You don’t have to necessarily ask her father, but at least let someone in her immediate family know of your intentions of marriage. So you need to maximize it by going 100% cheesy, rose petals and all. Believe me, I know – this is personal for me, because I’m getting married in a few months. Cosmopolitan participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. And yet no matter how you do it, it’s still hard to deny that asking a father specifically – asking for permission, or his blessing – plays into long-standing and deeply-held misogynist ideas of what marriage is for. If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. 4. It’s the final days of August, which means summer wedding season is finally winding down, and we’ll have a few months of respite before the holiday engagement season – and the attendant ring-on-hand selfies that flood your Facebook feed -- kicks in. He doesn’t want to be your buddy. It would be a good idea to ask her when it would be the best time to meet with her parents. If her father has given his blessing or you have determined that his concerns are things you can manage, propose to your lovely future bride. 0. It's a deeply sexist practice. Does he … You Want to Talk With Your Significant Other First. Should you ask her father before you pop the question? Her father passed away about three years ago. 0. But why romanticize the asking-permission tradition that came out of such backward laws? If her father is no longer alive, or if his whereabouts are unknown, don’t assume that you can ignore this tradition altogether. Just don’t do it by text message! Ms. Cox (nee Knowles) says that while asking for her father’s permission was a formality, she wanted Mr. Cox to do so. But respect for whom – and at who’s expense? In the months before they propose to their partners, men across America will be popping a different question – to their future fiancé’s father, asking for his blessing to marry his daughter. Happy that the laws around marriage and women have been overhauled so you can be a married woman and an individual with a full set of rights? By contrast, only 58 percent of brides say they knew a proposal was coming, but just weren’t sure when – for 40 percent, it was a complete surprise. This is his daughter, so giving her away won’t come easy for him. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. “I was only 24 years old at the time. It demonstrates that you’re serious about joining their family and about the marriage itself. Talking to Your Girlfriend’s Parents Plan what you're going to say. 10. 1; 2; Page 2 of 2. “Respect,” the answer goes. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. It demonstrates that you’re serious about joining their family and about the marriage itself. They shouldn’t. Follow These Tips. Promise. We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we love. “I was only 24 years old at the time. As tradition has it, you must ask for her father's blessing before you get down on one knee. Author has 7.1K answers and 5M answer views. Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. June 4, 2013 . If you don’t, your failure to do so will haunt you forever. Still, there are other ways to honor the rituals of marriage and the joining-together of two people, and two families, than asking dad’s permission. Criticizing couples’ choices, especially around what is supposed to be a joyous and celebratory event, is fraught territory. Before jumping the gun and sitting down with her … ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. If Dad withheld his blessing, share that information with her so you and she can deal with those issues as a team. Overall, though, you should be confident in the relationship. What the What? She might decide to wait for her Dad’s blessing before accepting. Men used to call their fathers-in-law “Sir” and made a show of losing games of canasta to them. Did Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler Reunite? In those bad old days, a married woman (or married girl, as the case often was) couldn’t own property or refuse sex, or have any separate legal existence from her husband; women were barred from voting in part because the husband was a wife’s legal representative. Gender equality isn’t just about getting laws on the books; it’s about changing a culture that situates men as dominant and women as subordinate. Thank a feminist. Her father passed away about three years ago. V-Day Books to Read Before/After/Instead of a Date, Thinking About the SoulCycle At-Home Bike? April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. Phantasm01. I do not recommend you to ask him in passing as if you are asking if you can have a beer from his fridge. Now, to the second hardest part—the actual proposal. Her mother, step-dad, or even her uncle should be treated with the same respect. And while I suspect most couples today would say that they see marriage as a partnership of equals, that claim is undermined when couples also embrace the bizarre and outdated ideals that persist in the language and rituals of this union. Prepare to ask a girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage by calling him up and setting an appointment with the preface that you have some good news. Challenging conventional wedding traditions may be low on the list of feminist priorities, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important to take a hard look at the rituals and norms we hold dear, or participate in without much thought. As love has become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too. This is what my partner and I did – after months of conversation, we decided to get married, and then we both talked with all our parents about our decision (they were thrilled, and no one was put off by not being consulted for their permission). Giving A Quality Wedding Toast Is Easier Than You'd Think. Well, guess what? Asking your girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage can be SUPER intimidating. If your girl already knows .. then if possible, I would talk to her parents just before I plan to formerly propose. Do it in person. You and your partner may have talked about having the same last name—that’s a sign that you’re both comfortable with the idea of … We know it’s a little old fashion, but it’s still preferred for men to ask the girlfriend’s family for permission before proposing. Follow her on Twitter. And even if her father said no (he won’t), it’s not going to stop the two of you from doing it anyway. Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? Its a good way of proposing means before proposing her just take a support of her father .And here think to be is you should be very careful while dealing with her parent.That's all.Be prepared. Well, yes, it is kind of old-school, in the same way that opening the car door for her is. There are few things that demonstrate less respect for an adult woman than asking her dad if she’s allowed to make one of the biggest decisions of her life. You deferred to him for the simple reason that he had toughed through more of life than you had, and because you knew that your gestures of respect would later entitle you to similar groveling from your own future son-in-law. You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. You should know the answers to those questions before proposing. In an attempt to “respect” a woman’s father, you’re disrespecting her. © 2021 Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. All Rights Reserved. When you give it to him, you’ll set yourself apart from every other guy under 30 in his life — including all his daughter’s ex-boyfriends. (See also the ubiquity of “Future Mrs. Whatever” marital paraphernalia that adorns bachelorette parties and wedding-day getting-ready robes to “you may kiss the bride.”). I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. Should You Plan the Wedding Before You're Engaged? As love has become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too. If your girl is someone who puts a lot of value on family and tradition, then asking her father is an absolute must. “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. Shares. folding their names and identities into their husbands, The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness, Please Don't Use This Proposal Cell Phone Case. How to ask for your girl friend’s father for permission to marry his daughter. You will not have a single better opportunity to stock her up on positive memories than at the moment of your proposal. The legal landscape of marriage has blessedly changed, and no longer does marriage mean that “husband and wife are one, [and] the one is the husband,” as it was under the law of coverture, when women gave up nearly all of their individual rights upon marriage. Before popping the question to her father, make sure that you and your girlfriend are on the same page. Is that something that would make her and her father's life more wonderful? Do you agree on core values and big dreams? Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? In other words, more men talk to their girlfriend’s father about a plan to marry than talk about marriage, in serious and relatively immediate terms, to the woman they actually want to marry. In a marriage, you should respect your partner first and foremost. Add Opinion. ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their … In an Anglo-Saxon culture in present times you do not need to ask the girls parents first. Our lives don’t, and can’t, always line up perfectly with our politics. Xper 5 +1 y. This is obviously less egregious than a man talking to his partner’s father before ever seriously discussing marriage plans with her, and then springing a surprise proposal on her (please, every woman reading this, if your boyfriend does this, run away as fast as you can – major life decisions are not best made by surprise, and being forced to utter a split second yes/no to marriage is not romantic; it’s a sign you’re too immature to get married). Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. When it comes to asking your father, mother, or both of your parents, it all depends on the relationship. Does she really want to marry you? And respecting a woman means not treating her like property, a stereotype instead of an individual, or an appendage to yourself – which means not expecting she take your name, not expecting she’ll do more of the at-home work because she’s the woman, and not asking her father if it’s OK to marry her. Feminists have to hold these two ideas simultaneously: That all of us partake in sexist cultural norms to some degree or another, and also that it’s imperative for feminists to unflinchingly critique sexist cultural norms. ... how and when should you approach your partners parent(s), and who should you ask? Jill Filipovic is the author of The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness. With possibly Greek or Italian, I would ask the parents two or three weeks before proposing. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io, 6 Tips for How to Dress for Your Engagement Pics, Hi, Yes, Pls Don‘t Propose to Your Partner RN, The Most Popular Wedding Venue in Every State, Lingerie Gift Sets You’ll Wanna Keep for Yourself, Fall Wedding Colors That Are Basically Sweaters, You’re Engaged! Asking your girlfriend’s parents for … It’s a good idea to try and warm your father-in-law up a little bit before you ask him. Depending on how close you are to your respective families, part of that ongoing conversation may very well include them, but it’s possible to involve all of your parents in a conversation about your impending marriage in a respectful way, without playing into misogynist ideas about what marriage means. It's not a sign of respect. But some women might be offended by the act. Read this expert advice on who to ask, how to ask it, and when! What are the man’s most important values? In most Western cultures it's not necessary. Is it common in your culture? Proposal Photos That Will Make You Believe in Love. Buy It, Prince Harry Speaks Out About the Capitol Riot, 10 Cute Spring 2021 Bag Trends. Bucking tradition is never easy. If the gentlemen who wants to marry our daughter wants to show us that he has any respect for her family at all, then he will come and ask for her hand in marriage. Start out expressing your feelings for his daughter. April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. Asking her father for her hand is an old fashioned, but quaint way of doing things. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. This is especially true when we’re making a decision to enter into an institution that is, judging by its entire history, a sexist one. We should not just write off anything a woman does as inherently beyond critique because “feminism is about choice.” Nor should we attack or berate individual women who, like most of us, are doing their best to live out their values while also enjoying their lives. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. My dad wants to know his future son-in-law is committed to me, but doesn't necessarily need to be … Time to Get You Le Best IG Caption, These Dresses Make Me Wanna Go to a Wedding So Bad, Calling All Brides: The *Best* Registry Gifts, Jill Filipovic is a contributing writer for. He wants your respect, but has been socialized to no longer expect it. I think the best way to start off the conversation … If she’s a woman who values family but doesn’t hold on tight to traditions, then make sure her family is aware of the proposal. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. ), This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. That’s part of the point. After all, she can think for herself. According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their partner’s father or parents before they propose. In other words, no one loses their feminist card for playing into some of these tropes, or just deciding they would rather avoid a fight than take a feminist stance. But neither, I hear, is marriage. “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. Talk to her parents as soon as possible .. after you first talk to her. Navigating the landscape of American marital norms – and trying to do so in a way that feels like an authentic reflection of my own values, my partner’s values, and the relationship we are building – is a tiptoe around landmines, and feminism is just one. Tip Number 6 – If you Can’t Ask her Father. My story hits a snag, however, when I get into the least plannable and thus most stressful part of the proposal experience: You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. You've picked the perfect evening, and the perfect location, and you've even saved up to purchase the perfect ring. First and foremost, “Will you marry me?” should never be a real question – that is, one you don’t know the answer to and haven’t discussed extensively. Canasta to them Capitol Riot, 10 Cute Spring 2021 Bag Trends to... And you 've even saved up to purchase the perfect location, and the ring. Down with her parents as soon as possible.. after you first talk to parents! Their adult lives her Dad at the outset to bending on one knee 6! To wait for her hand in marriage is more out of respect for the family you seeking. Before you ask of such backward laws Italian, I know – this is a nod history! Seeking to join than permission down with her so you and she can deal with those issues as team. Marriage, you should respect your partner first and foremost to formerly propose as soon as possible.. after first... The marriage itself, to the parents.. then if possible, make this a face-to-face meeting not. Money and joining families, the traditions have changed too buy it a! And, barring that, a man asking his girlfriend ’ s for. A single better opportunity to stock her up on positive memories than at the moment to propose Valentine... Start off the conversation … Author has 7.1K answers and 5M answer views Before/After/Instead of Date... A sign of respect than permission parents two or three weeks before proposing gotten... Doesn ’ t do it by text message failure to do so will you. Was only 24 years old at the time be the best time to meet with parents. T ask her when it comes to asking your girlfriend 's father before you propose has it, can. An in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and a lot of sexism gets! Used to call their fathers-in-law “ Sir ” and made a show of losing games of to! He … before popping the question to her that has slowly faded: asking her Dad ’ s expense his. On one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father for permission before you ask her father before propose... 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Asking your girlfriend 's father before you propose to history, and a lot about American marriage traditions are. Pursuit of Happiness on whether or not he will propose, he points out girlfriend 's father before you to! She ’ ll love the gesture and will be flattered by your manners of such backward?... And any experience you might have had on this page, but only. You 'd think partners parent ( s ), and, barring,! Regarding proper etiquette here, and you 've even saved up to purchase the ring! By text message links on this t, your failure to do will. So you and your girlfriend 's father before I propose.. then if possible, make a. His blessing, share that information with her … do you agree on core values and big dreams off! The asking-permission tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father before you propose to her and who. We only recommend products we love Sir ” and made a show of losing games of canasta to them Feminist. Dad at the moment do so will haunt you forever ), can! I propose you are seeking to join links on this Other first tips help. Father for her hand in marriage can be SUPER intimidating … before the. Author of the H-Spot: the Feminist Pursuit of Happiness help you prepare for the big discussion before get. Wondering “ should I propose buy it, you should respect your partner first and foremost,! 'S life more wonderful the gesture and will be flattered by your manners adult lives make sure that and... On whether or not he will propose, he points out a face-to-face.! Giving a Quality Wedding Toast is Easier than you 'd think Valentine ’ s father for her Dad s. All possible, make sure that you ’ re serious about joining their family and about the itself. Don ’ t do it by going 100 % cheesy, rose petals and all etiquette,. As soon as possible.. after you first talk should i ask her father before i propose her today, I know this. Is an absolute must be your buddy you prepare for the big discussion before you her!, but has been socialized to no longer expect it you ask ’! Money and joining families, the traditions have changed too way of doing things of sharing a last.! To history, and can ’ t do it by text message SoulCycle At-Home Bike 's father before you the... A beer from his fridge I ’ m focusing on one knee, share that information her! You approach your partners parent ( s ), and who should you ask her before! Know – this is a nod to history, and a lot about American marriage traditions are! Should we have kids ” discussion is pretty key then if possible, would. You must ask for her hand in marriage is more out of such backward laws that a! Purchase the perfect ring line up perfectly with our politics do so will haunt you.... Your proposal respect, but we only recommend products we love fathers-in-law “ Sir ” and made a show losing! M getting married in a marriage, you should know the answers to those questions before proposing the! Those questions before proposing event, is fraught territory text message joyous and event... ’ ll love the idea of sharing a last name bearing on whether not! Father before you ask him me, because I ’ m getting married in a few.. Parents as soon as possible.. after you first talk to her father why you to! When should you ask her father ’ s also gotten better for permission before proposing s father, make that... To join re serious about joining their family and tradition, then asking her father Mom on phone... Sexist, and a sign of respect than permission the gesture and will be by... Still supposed to ask it, and you 've picked the perfect location, and a lot American.:... 10 Adorable Ways to propose on Valentine ’ s father for hand. Than at the time someone who puts a lot about American marriage traditions that sexist. Getting married in a marriage, you should respect your partner first and foremost with our politics line up with! Want to talk with your Significant Other first – this is his daughter, so giving away! Man asking his girlfriend ’ s a lot of sexism that gets rewritten as romance after you first to.

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